Thursday, December 29, 2011


Your disbelief intrigues me. Like fodder for my brain.
He's standing right behind you, with a balloon and a gun. There's magic in his eyes and sadness on his lips. He wants you to know that he cares very little. Its just an orchestra in his brain. He's almost positive you're the crescendo. How long can he keep this going? How long can he keep you in ------- suspense? He possibly feels the same way you do but enjoys it. His songs are innumerable. His acts are finite. It ends when you do. Or when you end him.
Stop pawing at it and man up. Rip the throat and enter. There will be a day to remember.


Who are these monsters?
These 10 o'clock people?
Do they fear my touch as much as I do theirs?
My skin is nervous. I fear letting my monster out. I fear it would not be well received among these potty trained mongrels. Its naked violent ambition..
Can they see the shape mine takes? I would almost beg to hear their description. Are my visions truth among my senses or just a grotesque fantasy?
Everything seems like its built on tension. I know they're monsters because they walk this tension like a well accomplished acrobat on a low tightrope. I'm starving..
Who is who? Its not a question of trust, its a question of...what?
What do you ask? There is no answer that can't rise another question. I'm torn. I'm scared. My faith is deep. But their claws are so long..

Monday, July 4, 2011

second response

Sorry I haven't written back in a few days, busy weekend.
Uh, with the unfiltered cigs. Too harsh. My friend rolled his own for years till he quit recently. You know it's bad when the the guy who was the heavy metal of smokers quits and you're still craving. If I remember to check out that orchestra song I will but the cynic is screaming annoying world music but I'll give it a shot.

Ha ha yeah I know the bike thing. I started learning from my friends dad but when they moved, no one picked up the slack so I just got lazy. I've tried now but it's fucking hard to balance. But I must say, cyclists that act like they're fucking cars piss me the fuck off. Don't get in the fucking left hand turn lane. Just get on the sidewalk for fucks sake! Sorry, it just irritates me.

Tecate Light? Trying to watch your figure? I like Tecate cuz it reminds me of high school.

I'm sorry about your friend. I haven't had anyone really close to me die except my grandma but we weren't that close. Those artist types can be very destructive. It's unfortunate but that's how it is sometimes. What happened to the girl he was in love with? Is she still around? That must have been awful for her. I can't imagine..

Henry Rollins is my hero. A genius. I've seen his spoken word live a couple of times, hilarious! That song is probably the only good one he has. I don't like Rollins Band, terrible but the man is all kinds of amazing. Love him.
You should try to explain what it is you study. If it's at all interesting I don't care too much if I don't fully understand it. I watch copious amounts of Science and Discovery channel. My favorite is astrophysics. If there was one thing I want to fully understand and would love to study, that would be it. I find it infinitely interesting. There is just so much out there, it blows my fucking mind. I'll watch those programs for hours and then google articles on it. For a while I was obsessed with quarks. Ridiculous..

Ah shit you're really gonna hit me with the love question? Mushy girly shit? Ok, I have been. My best friend from high school. But it just wasn't in the stars for us. Bad timing for both of us. Plus were both really weird, we don't talk about that. Plus the whole don't ruin the friendship thing. He is my soulmate though. Doesn't matter how long we haven't seen each other we just pick up like it's only been a day. There's been maybe a handful of others but he was the first and the best. Ha! Speak of the devil..

In response to this:
Ok so I'm watching that youtube post and writing this at the same time. So number one seems ok.
Number two I understand but some people like to be used as slaves or property. If it's understood that it consensual that what does it matter? Number three, totally agree.
Number four I pretty much agree with except for evil ones. Some kids are born fucked up. I'm not saying it's ok to rape or abuse children but I've seen fucked up kids and they are frightening.
Number five, don't condemn people for their inborn nature? Are you fucking kidding me? So it's don't hate gays for being gay cuz they're born that way, but what about pedophiles, rapists, murders that were fucked from the beginning? Should I welcome them with open arms as well? So treat everyone equally? Like Jesus, right? And why is it Gods fault when something bad or tragic happens but a break through in science has nothing to do with Him. People say God is fucked up cuz of the Holocaust but no one is crying over the dinosaurs being wiped out. It's only tragic if you care. Right now there are thousands of horrible and beautiful things happening right down to the smallest particle. But people don't care unless it affects them directly; and those who do are often called Jesus like or martyrs. You can say that you can't compare dinos to humans but yes you fucking can. People only give a shit if they love or care or have some interest in it. Everything else is just space. Most people don't know shit about inborn nature, they only know what you tell them. That includes me sometimes.
Number six. Lame. That served no purpose. That could mean so many things depending on the situation.
Number seven. Sounds like the bible. Isn't it called Thou shall not lie?
Number eight. Werd!
Number nine. Hmmm. This is tricky. What these people did and have done for thousands of years is horrific. But, I can't call someone crazy for their religious beliefs, even if they are horrifying. My religion has crazy too. And if they believe that theirs is right all they are doing is following their faith. It's disgusting, I think they are wrong, and that their path is a dark one but they see us the same way. Unless your like a Buddhist or just an inherently good person regardless of the religion, there is a darkness that ties your heart to your faith. Some peoples are small other are far far scarier.
Number ten. Again, the Bible was written by man, not God. Again, the Bible has been translated from so many people and languages for so many years, who is to say what we read now was interpreted properly or even the same as what was originally written? No one shouldn't be made to feel bad for believing it, or abiding by it, since you are not supposed to judge people. I don't like anyone telling me what I should or shouldn't believe. Give me your knowledge and I'll decide for myself. And I find it ridiculous that a minute and a half of your wisdom that you acquired in 40 years is supposed to trump the most popular book in the world that's how fucking old? Shiiiiiittt. Sorry Chris, it's not gonna happen. I get what he's saying but whatevs. He seems rather pompous. I guess I might right now too. Who the fuck is he?
Despite all my chatter, I like that you show me shit I haven't seen, I appreciate that.
And yes, Jim Beam is awful. Hope you had an awesome 4th! I'm gonna go sweat in another room and drink. :-)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

my response to a letter on an online dating site, after the berating

I love me some later Cohen. The early stuff is a little too folky for me. Don't get me wrong, I can get totally into some folky stuff but most of it is new unless it's Donovan or some random old songs. I like Cohens newer shit because he's dirty and offensive it's in a way, rather attractive. In the same way people are attracted to innocence, I think the same for filth. It's like not giving a fuck. And at some point everyone wants to not give a fuck even if it's for like an hour. I feel that way when I listen to some of his songs. He is not an everyday listen to but he grabs a hold of the mood by the tits and balls. Ya gotta love him even if you don't like the music. And JD is what lead me to my whiskey love. It's the only whiskey I drank for a few years. It's perfect. Not too sweet, not too bitter and good price. Plus I'm pretty sure they did a dramatization on the makers death on the show A 1000 Ways To Die. That equals awesome in my book. I do enjoy my Bulliett bourbon, and my Glenfiddich amd Jameson scotch but I will always go back to Jack. I have never heard of the whiskey you speak of. I also noticed you spell whiskey without an e. Don't meet many of those.
I do not disagree with your conversation statement. I was briefly dating this nice guy, thought maybe I would be his girlfriend until we actually had a real conversation and I said, after a long winded and twisted explanation, "Sorry, my mind goes a million miles a minute, I all over every tangent.." and he replied "Ha, that's ok, my mind goes like a mile a minute." Like I said, nice guy but a simpleton. We were not a good match. On a side note, his brother and friends were ridiculous smart.
Ah the Christian thing. I was raised Catholic. Holy first communion, sunday school, Our Father, Holy Mary, the whole deal. My mom said she never taught me my prayers, I just one day recited the entire thing in the car randomly. I never questioned his existence. Ever. Did I briefly flirt with the idea of Satanism? Kinda. But I was young and confused and it was purely superficial. I changed my mind pretty quickly. My short journey to the "darkside" was just me building from my my sadness, apathy and serious curiosity of the macabre. I thought it was where I belong until I realized I wasn't evil. This of course was many many years ago. Catholicism had too many rules that seemed to stray away from the main point of Christianity. I had a very close friend explain and shed some light that made me open to being religious without being so "man made rule" restrictive. I found I never really lost my faith. The forced binding to certain rules and lack of free will to experience faith as you feel and see fit forces otherwise strong believers into a corner with only a small hole to fit their belief system into. I found as much as find church boring, I respect it. (Oddly enough, I only enjoy Catholic services and churches). I don't get into specifics because I believe your relationship to God or a higher power is very personal. My nerd friends try to throw science in my face but I remind them that they can explain just as much about God as they can about the Big Bang theory. Or anything in science. You can divide and divide and divide but a some point you gotta say "where the fuck is coming from?" We found cells and atoms and quarks but there is always gonna be something smaller or greater and you just can't explain or understand it. Where do you go from there? You don't have to get on your knees and pray to Jesus but you can't even tell me what happens with matter that enters black holes? Talk about blind faith..
So weed. Used to be a wake and baker in high school. For two and a half years I was pretty much high every day. Then I woke up and said, nah, not for me anymore, it's boring. Now I do it maybe 2 to 4 times a year and very little when I do. I'm a light weight when it comes to that. Plus so many of my friends are soo boring high it's not worth it. But I don't give a fuck if someone does, legalize it, smoke it, eat it I don't care.
Everyone chooses pony boy, why not soda pop?
It's funny that you say your usually the only white dude in your groups of friends lately cuz almost all my friends are white or mexican. But that's always been the case for me. I think I have 1 black friend, ha! Shit, I'm getting drunker and hanging too much on turntable..
I only like the first 2 BMRC albums. Sigur Ros is awesome. All that other shit is foreign to me. If I'm not listen to Pandora or turntable it's NPR, KCRW KXLU or talk radio or podcasts.
I can respect the love of bikes but to me it's not worth the risk. Driver or passenger. And how fucking tall do you need to be? I'm almost 5'9 wtf?
Shit, it's getting late and I need to go to smoke and then sleep. So real quick, Wild Turkey is tolerable for an only means for getting drunk, I like coffee flavored things except coffee, I love cigarettes, I'm messy but not gross, Orchestra Boabab sounds like new age, world music noise. If it's not, I'd give it a listen; Daniel Tosh and Henry Rollins are my heroes, never been out of the country, its spelled Jim Beam not bean and to much peoples horror and shock, I don't know how to ride a bicycle. Good evening and good night, ha!
P.S. My name is not Mary.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

if i am what i am, what is everyone else?

i know we would have been good together. that was never a question. but it's quite clear after tonight we will not be together. you use words and phrases i've long since abandoned. your once frightening nature has been tamed. you're so focused you're just a bright round star with no sharp edged beams. i thought in my turbulent cycle i'd fight against myself to your plane only to find it deserted. cold rides. wilted flowers. gray skin. i couldn't leave a place like this knowing i could revive it. but i understand your plight. all alone. the comers and goers. you felt injured. lowly. if no one can see this place, maybe it doesn't belong. you thought it superiority. you thought it arrogance. all because someone stuck needles in your eyes and when they were pulled from your face you saw what everyone forgot the minute they touched this earth....

i know we would have been good together. as sure as my soul is light. as sure as the paint in the sky. as sure as the holes in my skin.. follow me. i wont show you things you've never seen. that is not my gift. i'll bring to the place you've always known. i'll make you feel it. all the truth you need is inside the bloody mess of yours. all you need is in that breath. i dont want peoples wants. there are so many futures. they crash and collide and you fight to find the right one. take them all. every point is part of you. every direction is the way to go. tear yourself apart. go. if you cant be a part of everything, you're a part of nothing. in every instance you are. you are. this is who we are. this is what we'll be. i know it. as sure as the night is black. and the clocks are violent. every point is where you start. every point of your life is alive. is going forward. i believe my dreams. fantasies. because they live as much as i do. its a pain i cant be without.

tonight i saw a death. i wont leave without kissing it good bye. it knows me as well as my mother. as well as my car. my bed. my socks. this is me. i've always been here. do not be frightened away from your years. do not be bullied by suspicion. it only hurts as much as you allow it to. they only believe as much as you give them. as long as you are what you are, there are no limits. what you see is what is. you know it to be true. find peace in the fact that there are no facts. just truth. show yourself, not them, the truth. and find me wading..

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


i was drowning myself
with all the air i could breathe
i couldn't feel the heat or cold
the sunlight embarrassed me to no end
i close my eyes and no face comes to mind
i couldn't dream a fuckin thing
i was starving on a full belly
i kept letting my time spill all over the kitchen floor
when would i stop staring at that screen..
fatter and fatter i grew
would no one tell me how long i've really been gone?
i was made of paper and ash
what happened to my super power???
was i ever anything without it?
i needed to say no
i needed to embrace denial
all of you helped me down that staircase
i feel so snug in your pity
i was only offered strangers' hands
disgust crept, and became a film over my eyeball
every daybreak broke a little of me and cookie
my thoughts are different now
and soon they will add up
brushing off the bruises and the leaves
nothing is empty
everyplace i enter and
everyplace i go and
everyone i meet
i'll fill
your logic is suffocating

Friday, April 15, 2011

fill (2007)

come drown with me.
in my thoughts
in my sheets
in my tits
in my room
in my bottle
in my words
in my tears
in my screams
in my life
in my blood
in my words
bury you in me from the neck down
and let my tide
splash your face
burn your eyes
fill your nostrils
choke you
tease you
fill your lungs.
you can fight me
and then i'll spill into you
from the inside out.
we'll just slip away..