my response to a letter on an online dating site, after the berating

I love me some later Cohen. The early stuff is a little too folky for me. Don't get me wrong, I can get totally into some folky stuff but most of it is new unless it's Donovan or some random old songs. I like Cohens newer shit because he's dirty and offensive it's in a way, rather attractive. In the same way people are attracted to innocence, I think the same for filth. It's like not giving a fuck. And at some point everyone wants to not give a fuck even if it's for like an hour. I feel that way when I listen to some of his songs. He is not an everyday listen to but he grabs a hold of the mood by the tits and balls. Ya gotta love him even if you don't like the music. And JD is what lead me to my whiskey love. It's the only whiskey I drank for a few years. It's perfect. Not too sweet, not too bitter and good price. Plus I'm pretty sure they did a dramatization on the makers death on the show A 1000 Ways To Die. That equals awesome in my book. I do enjoy my Bulliett bourbon, and my Glenfiddich amd Jameson scotch but I will always go back to Jack. I have never heard of the whiskey you speak of. I also noticed you spell whiskey without an e. Don't meet many of those.
I do not disagree with your conversation statement. I was briefly dating this nice guy, thought maybe I would be his girlfriend until we actually had a real conversation and I said, after a long winded and twisted explanation, "Sorry, my mind goes a million miles a minute, I all over every tangent.." and he replied "Ha, that's ok, my mind goes like a mile a minute." Like I said, nice guy but a simpleton. We were not a good match. On a side note, his brother and friends were ridiculous smart.
Ah the Christian thing. I was raised Catholic. Holy first communion, sunday school, Our Father, Holy Mary, the whole deal. My mom said she never taught me my prayers, I just one day recited the entire thing in the car randomly. I never questioned his existence. Ever. Did I briefly flirt with the idea of Satanism? Kinda. But I was young and confused and it was purely superficial. I changed my mind pretty quickly. My short journey to the "darkside" was just me building from my my sadness, apathy and serious curiosity of the macabre. I thought it was where I belong until I realized I wasn't evil. This of course was many many years ago. Catholicism had too many rules that seemed to stray away from the main point of Christianity. I had a very close friend explain and shed some light that made me open to being religious without being so "man made rule" restrictive. I found I never really lost my faith. The forced binding to certain rules and lack of free will to experience faith as you feel and see fit forces otherwise strong believers into a corner with only a small hole to fit their belief system into. I found as much as find church boring, I respect it. (Oddly enough, I only enjoy Catholic services and churches). I don't get into specifics because I believe your relationship to God or a higher power is very personal. My nerd friends try to throw science in my face but I remind them that they can explain just as much about God as they can about the Big Bang theory. Or anything in science. You can divide and divide and divide but a some point you gotta say "where the fuck is coming from?" We found cells and atoms and quarks but there is always gonna be something smaller or greater and you just can't explain or understand it. Where do you go from there? You don't have to get on your knees and pray to Jesus but you can't even tell me what happens with matter that enters black holes? Talk about blind faith..
So weed. Used to be a wake and baker in high school. For two and a half years I was pretty much high every day. Then I woke up and said, nah, not for me anymore, it's boring. Now I do it maybe 2 to 4 times a year and very little when I do. I'm a light weight when it comes to that. Plus so many of my friends are soo boring high it's not worth it. But I don't give a fuck if someone does, legalize it, smoke it, eat it I don't care.
Everyone chooses pony boy, why not soda pop?
It's funny that you say your usually the only white dude in your groups of friends lately cuz almost all my friends are white or mexican. But that's always been the case for me. I think I have 1 black friend, ha! Shit, I'm getting drunker and hanging too much on turntable..
I only like the first 2 BMRC albums. Sigur Ros is awesome. All that other shit is foreign to me. If I'm not listen to Pandora or turntable it's NPR, KCRW KXLU or talk radio or podcasts.
I can respect the love of bikes but to me it's not worth the risk. Driver or passenger. And how fucking tall do you need to be? I'm almost 5'9 wtf?
Shit, it's getting late and I need to go to smoke and then sleep. So real quick, Wild Turkey is tolerable for an only means for getting drunk, I like coffee flavored things except coffee, I love cigarettes, I'm messy but not gross, Orchestra Boabab sounds like new age, world music noise. If it's not, I'd give it a listen; Daniel Tosh and Henry Rollins are my heroes, never been out of the country, its spelled Jim Beam not bean and to much peoples horror and shock, I don't know how to ride a bicycle. Good evening and good night, ha!
P.S. My name is not Mary.

if i am what i am, what is everyone else?

i know we would have been good together. that was never a question. but it's quite clear after tonight we will not be together. you use words and phrases i've long since abandoned. your once frightening nature has been tamed. you're so focused you're just a bright round star with no sharp edged beams. i thought in my turbulent cycle i'd fight against myself to your plane only to find it deserted. cold rides. wilted flowers. gray skin. i couldn't leave a place like this knowing i could revive it. but i understand your plight. all alone. the comers and goers. you felt injured. lowly. if no one can see this place, maybe it doesn't belong. you thought it superiority. you thought it arrogance. all because someone stuck needles in your eyes and when they were pulled from your face you saw what everyone forgot the minute they touched this earth....

i know we would have been good together. as sure as my soul is light. as sure as the paint in the sky. as sure as the holes in my skin.. follow me. i wont show you things you've never seen. that is not my gift. i'll bring to the place you've always known. i'll make you feel it. all the truth you need is inside the bloody mess of yours. all you need is in that breath. i dont want peoples wants. there are so many futures. they crash and collide and you fight to find the right one. take them all. every point is part of you. every direction is the way to go. tear yourself apart. go. if you cant be a part of everything, you're a part of nothing. in every instance you are. you are. this is who we are. this is what we'll be. i know it. as sure as the night is black. and the clocks are violent. every point is where you start. every point of your life is alive. is going forward. i believe my dreams. fantasies. because they live as much as i do. its a pain i cant be without.

tonight i saw a death. i wont leave without kissing it good bye. it knows me as well as my mother. as well as my car. my bed. my socks. this is me. i've always been here. do not be frightened away from your years. do not be bullied by suspicion. it only hurts as much as you allow it to. they only believe as much as you give them. as long as you are what you are, there are no limits. what you see is what is. you know it to be true. find peace in the fact that there are no facts. just truth. show yourself, not them, the truth. and find me wading..

song

i was drowning myself
with all the air i could breathe
i couldn't feel the heat or cold
the sunlight embarrassed me to no end
i close my eyes and no face comes to mind
i couldn't dream a fuckin thing
i was starving on a full belly
i kept letting my time spill all over the kitchen floor
when would i stop staring at that screen..
fatter and fatter i grew
would no one tell me how long i've really been gone?
i was made of paper and ash
what happened to my super power???
was i ever anything without it?
i needed to say no
i needed to embrace denial
all of you helped me down that staircase
i feel so snug in your pity
i was only offered strangers' hands
disgust crept, and became a film over my eyeball
every daybreak broke a little of me and cookie
my thoughts are different now
and soon they will add up
brushing off the bruises and the leaves
nothing is empty
eventually
everyplace i enter and
everyplace i go and
everyone i meet
i'll fill
your logic is suffocating

fill (2007)

come drown with me.
in my thoughts
in my sheets
in my tits
in my room
in my bottle
in my words
in my tears
in my screams
in my life
in my blood
in my words
bury you in me from the neck down
and let my tide
splash your face
burn your eyes
fill your nostrils
choke you
tease you
fill your lungs.
you can fight me
and then i'll spill into you
from the inside out.
we'll just slip away..

fb 1 (200?)

today started off ok. somewhere along the line I started to feel ill. Dancing didn't help. It only lured me into an unrealistic fantasy. A picture of a puppy made me text his brother. As if that's any consolation. I don't know what's worse; being angry that I'm sad or being sad. It's one of those solid cries. All stoic and single teared. Lame. I'm even embarrassed I admitted it in this blog. How do you miss 10 percent of someone? How does such a small percentage fill a whole? Every time I tear away I feel like I'm digging a deeper grave. I guess I am. What are they to me? I see my future and they don't make an appearance. I sit in my desperation and they're every thought. Someone snatch me from my life preserver cuz it's the only thing keeping me from living.

man in mind (2007?)

who are you? who is trapped in my world with me? my wild card. my shape shifter. my exodus. all you dead bodies with souls that carry your works as legends; you haunt my heart. you feed on my desperation. vultures of sorrow. zombies of confusion. vampires of creation. you feed. i hate that i am your fodder. and yet without you my presence would go unnoticed, my essence, rotting fruit for flies.  it fills me like dark matter. discovered and unrecognizable. just because you find the knowledge, does not mean you understand it once you attain it.

wild card

its always all about you without any of the benefits. wet teary eyes with the barrel pointed at your heart. i wanted to pet the world like a cat. there's is no friend at the bottom of a bottle because if there were, there would be no bottom. no end to the comfort. there's more to life than just living, breathing, carrying on. people will ignore you without even trying. they're just built that way. but one benefit of being ignored and underestimated is no one ever sees you coming. your invisible. like the winds of a tornado, no one looks your way till your feet hit the ground and the ground hits the sky. you can smell it in the air. nobody is prepared for the wild card. that's why its a wild card. it assumes any form it needs to be to win the game or throw it off course to gain control. but you already knew that didn't you?