song

i was drowning myself
with all the air i could breathe
i couldn't feel the heat or cold
the sunlight embarrassed me to no end
i close my eyes and no face comes to mind
i couldn't dream a fuckin thing
i was starving on a full belly
i kept letting my time spill all over the kitchen floor
when would i stop staring at that screen..
fatter and fatter i grew
would no one tell me how long i've really been gone?
i was made of paper and ash
what happened to my super power???
was i ever anything without it?
i needed to say no
i needed to embrace denial
all of you helped me down that staircase
i feel so snug in your pity
i was only offered strangers' hands
disgust crept, and became a film over my eyeball
every daybreak broke a little of me and cookie
my thoughts are different now
and soon they will add up
brushing off the bruises and the leaves
nothing is empty
eventually
everyplace i enter and
everyplace i go and
everyone i meet
i'll fill
your logic is suffocating

fill (2007)

come drown with me.
in my thoughts
in my sheets
in my tits
in my room
in my bottle
in my words
in my tears
in my screams
in my life
in my blood
in my words
bury you in me from the neck down
and let my tide
splash your face
burn your eyes
fill your nostrils
choke you
tease you
fill your lungs.
you can fight me
and then i'll spill into you
from the inside out.
we'll just slip away..

fb 1 (200?)

today started off ok. somewhere along the line I started to feel ill. Dancing didn't help. It only lured me into an unrealistic fantasy. A picture of a puppy made me text his brother. As if that's any consolation. I don't know what's worse; being angry that I'm sad or being sad. It's one of those solid cries. All stoic and single teared. Lame. I'm even embarrassed I admitted it in this blog. How do you miss 10 percent of someone? How does such a small percentage fill a whole? Every time I tear away I feel like I'm digging a deeper grave. I guess I am. What are they to me? I see my future and they don't make an appearance. I sit in my desperation and they're every thought. Someone snatch me from my life preserver cuz it's the only thing keeping me from living.

man in mind (2007?)

who are you? who is trapped in my world with me? my wild card. my shape shifter. my exodus. all you dead bodies with souls that carry your works as legends; you haunt my heart. you feed on my desperation. vultures of sorrow. zombies of confusion. vampires of creation. you feed. i hate that i am your fodder. and yet without you my presence would go unnoticed, my essence, rotting fruit for flies.  it fills me like dark matter. discovered and unrecognizable. just because you find the knowledge, does not mean you understand it once you attain it.

wild card

its always all about you without any of the benefits. wet teary eyes with the barrel pointed at your heart. i wanted to pet the world like a cat. there's is no friend at the bottom of a bottle because if there were, there would be no bottom. no end to the comfort. there's more to life than just living, breathing, carrying on. people will ignore you without even trying. they're just built that way. but one benefit of being ignored and underestimated is no one ever sees you coming. your invisible. like the winds of a tornado, no one looks your way till your feet hit the ground and the ground hits the sky. you can smell it in the air. nobody is prepared for the wild card. that's why its a wild card. it assumes any form it needs to be to win the game or throw it off course to gain control. but you already knew that didn't you?